Spent yesterday putting up the tree and decorating the house. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in my neck of the woods...but do I feel like I'm ready?? Of friggin course not. I have to make a do to list and actually stick to it this week. I got invited to the office Christmas party in Fredericton this week, but I don't want to go....A) Because I have to much else I could be doing; B) Because it won't be the same being in F'ton when I can't go visit everyone and C)Because it's also really weird being in F'ton and not having a place to call home anymore.
Other than that, life in Truro is boring. I'm stressed, cranky and I feel bad but I'm yelling at mom all the time. She does little things that make me angry and not having any sense of security right now really bugs me therefore she gets the raw end of the deal and gets yelled at. I know it's wrong...I know I shouldn't do it. And saying I'm sorry while snapping at her really doesn't make it any better.
The problem is I keep getting "yes, maybe, well probably" about the job that I'm suppose to start in January and I'm starting to doubt if I really want it at all. But, I have no other obvious opportunity so I can't really refuse it. And I don't know if its the job or if it's because of this crap that I've had to go through to even land this job that's making me doubt it. So much to think about, and I was fooling myself to think I'd have the time to do any thinking over the holidays.
Sometimes I really hate when I feel that life is being sucked out of me. I wish I could find something to do that I love. I miss being creative, I miss doing work where I'm proud of my accomplishments, where there's a big end result which shows me and those I love how hard I worked. Maybe I should give this job a fighting chance. Maybe it will end up being something I will love. I can see that there's only a few more hoops that I need to jump through in order to make this final. I guess for today that means my decision is to keep jumping.
1 comment:
HUGGERS.... I know what you mean about being stressed. I am living that as well. Here's what I am trying to do...make it through xmas without freaking out totally and then dealing with what is gonna be dealt in the new year hehehe..... might not work, but i'll give it a shot! HUGS
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